Last night I went to an art showing, it was mainly photographers, the place was slammed with amazing creatives. All I could think of is how I wasn’t good enough to be there, it felt like I just wasn't ever going to make it. So I finished my Beer and left, on my way home I realized that I genuinely do not believe in myself. That I took the opportunity to lower myself rather than connect with others. Sure I was nervous, someone said they had xxx,xxx followers and instead of taking as, “yo congrats (why do you have to gas yourself??) that’s cool man!” I just got bummed. I played myself and ended with, “I Suck.”
When the reality is I take some pretty alright pictures. They might not win any awards or gain traction.. Ah fuck maybe I do suck haha. We always compare ourselves and even when we say everyone goes at a different speed it’s embarrassing to know that 6 years of hard work doesn't compare to your colleagues. I couldn’t have been more blown away by the presentation of the show and more stoked but I immediately broke myself down. A selfish and sad move. But only if I was at the top then I could inspire and not worry about $$$.
I think depression would be a part of me even if I was at “the top” and it could be worse because I’d be less aware of it or how to deal with it. Money will be an issue as long as I let it, and I’ll fall off the band wagon regardless. Ending with the conclusion “I suck” really blows though. Many of us will wind up with that conclusion but It’s really a false one, no matter where you are at in a career/relationship/endeavor. You can allow yourself to suck, that’s ok, but staying there won’t build anyone up.
Photography took me to some cool places this year, if I could only believe I am making it happen. You cannot imagine where then next year will take you.
How can you believe in yourself? Know that you’ve already arrived.
“Omg I just saw a lexus” -Big R