It's been almost 5 years since I've started photography and I still find it just as much fun as when I started. I love showing the world the way I see it, and in turn seeing how others do. However even after all these years of letting go and loving it I still struggle with believing in my abilities. We all do though so it's not like anything new but at some point I just want to not think about it. Comparing myself to others and wondering why I'm not further along. I have no idea if that void will ever be filled and I think that's part of what drives me.
On the ferry back from the NW Cup I wiped the drying mud from my camera to really see the photos. I realized something. Abilities and flaws go hand in hand to make something wonderful.
I somehow got an old canon 5d ii in time to shoot the race and it was mad fun. I didn't use Auto focus and and the slow frame rate really made timing crucial.
You know it's a good mountain bike shoot if you almost get hit and need to be pressure washed after. There is a corner right next to me in this spot and in that corner is a puddle everyone rides through. In this moment I have no doubt in any ability to get a photo. I'm caked in mud and the content is fire. But once the mud is all gone, enough thought convinces me I'm not good at it. Or rather that I'll never be good enough. I'll just be a lil stick in the mud.
Whether you realize something over and over or see it for the first time, life is made up of monumental moments. It shapes you. I consistently learn to go slower and let go. But this time I learned that comparing yourself is the opposite of belief. I've known this for a long time but I didn't just say it. I actually understood it. Closing the door to my outback after walking around the ferry, I melted into my seat. Thinking about the whole weekend. The car moved from the ferry waves and starting a 90's dance party in the most lit bar around PA, telling a kid he just killed a tree from ripping 2 cm of bark off of it, and laughing at yodeling walmart dude remixes bounced around in my head. I'm in disbelief.
Disbelief that it can be this much fun. Thank you Rachel, Sam, Caleb, and everyone a part of these past two weeks. Praise
"I just realized I can sing Wonderwall in a Kermit voice" -lil r